How can I be guilty of white privilege? I identify as black

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It was to be expected I would provoke some opprobrium for suggesting that Canterbury student leaders had hysterically over-reacted when condemning the Tokyo Tea Rooms.

They reckon the St George’s Place nightspot had strayed into the realms of cultural appropriation for hiring geisha girls for its opening night.

Having pointed out the idiocy of this, not to mention how nasty and antagonistic such a claim is, I was told that should I should crawl back into my rock (?).

Ok. Will do. Or, maybe not.

For why? Well, the best explanation, came from someone who complained that the piece “reeked of white privilege”.

Ah, yes: this would be that other piece of politically correct bollocks which does the rounds these days.

Well, I’ve got some news for you: I can’t be guilty of white privilege.

Why?

I identify as a black man.

I haven’t actually done anything about it. It’s just a right I exercise and a fact I’m afraid you lot will have to accept.

Moreover, for all you comi-tragic weirdos reading this, I also identify as an urbane sophisticate, yeah. So, please, no more of this calling me a melonhead in the pub – all right, Darren?

Also, despite a poor diet and general inactivity, I identify as an athletic, dexterous person of impeccable physical proportions. So if my mother is reading this, she needs to stop referring to me using words such as overweight, plump and clinically obese.

She should understand that in 21st century Britain the use of accurate language is hurtful and offensive and tantamount to a hate crime.

Furthermore, I identify as in my mid-20s so ditto the above to references to my being middle aged.

And one final thought: please don’t all write in saying my identifying as black is cultural appropriation.

It’s not. It’s appropriate culturalization.

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